How It Was

Alice could no longer recall how it happened, had it been a gradual process, or an instantaneous shift?

She remembered a conversation she had with her mother not long ago, in the car as they drove back from school; she asked Alice whether she had her first crush yet, “I don’t like anyone, I will be single forever” she replied with inexplicable pride, her mother just laughed and told Alice she’d ask again in an year.

Puberty was what her mother was talking about, of course, although Alice had read about it in her older brother’s school books, biology being her favorite subject, she still held hope she’d never change her mind, if for no reason other than her already formidably stubborn pride, even at such a young age she already hated being proven wrong.

Yet, at some point, slower than the others around her, it happened. She recalled a girl that had a crush on her in 3rd grade, she lived nearby and would come ask if Alice could play every weekend, problem being she’d always come ask early in the morning and Alice would never wake up before 2pm in a Saturday. When her mother teased her about the girl’s crush Alice would state matter-of-factly, “She said before that she has an older boyfriend. She can’t like me”, it was just a way to make Alice jealous, her mother thought, but since Alice did not have such feelings yet, all the efforts were for naught. Alice changed schools frequently and so lost contact with the girl.

The boys too, in time, changed, were as before conversations would revolve only around videogames and cartoon shows, at some point in time, it had changed to include girls. Alice recalled a couple times she was asked about girls she liked, which made her feel uncomfortable, when at first she said no one the others teased her by quickly switching to boys instead, asking if she liked any from the other classes, but it wasn’t like that either. She learned to spout off some random names from girls in her class when things like this happened, but it never stopped making her uncomfortable

Yet, at some point, when talking with another girl she felt a sensation until then unknown, her breathing got a bit heavier and she could not stare at her friend straight, when had it happened? How had she not noticed until now? So that’s how it felt, she felt at once angry by being proven wrong by her mother’s question all those years ago, relieved for being normal, and two all new sensations of pleasure and disgust.

Her penis, at some point in the conversation, had become turgid. Some of the rowdier boys she had befriended would sometimes talk about masturbation, many times just to gross out their friends, but Alice having little understanding of how it even happened never thought much of it.

Her heavy breathing did not stop, she came home and took a shower, her penis was still hard, and so remembering the words describing the act and the motions they would make with their hands in the air, she masturbated under the showerhead.

Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, I’m disgusting, and this is disgusting, she repeated in her head along with images of the faces of her female friends, until she climaxed and stood there in the shower, panting. She looked at the door; I always take long showers, no need to worry about anyone getting suspicious.

She didn’t think much about her penis, it existed, she had to use it to pee, that was about it, but looking at it now she couldn’t help but think how abhorrent it was, how could something so utterly repugnant be part of her? It is ugly, I don’t like it, and I don’t want it, but there was no helping it, no use.

She’d use it to masturbate it many more times, periodically she’d find herself thinking indecent thoughts that didn’t allow her to concentrate on more important matters, masturbation became a necessity to be taken care of, like eating vegetables or showering.

No matter how disgusting it made her feel, she somehow made into routine, and something she could stop thinking about so much, just quickly get it done without lingering looks on her member so she could get to doing other things, in this way, she survived and continued as she always had.


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